Typing Up Loose Ends

T minus 8 days until the big adventure!

What a massive explosion of emotions has taken place in my life over the last month! I have been learning so much about trusting the Lord; I realize even more how my desire is to take control and manipulate situations into what I want them to be (which I so often do); now He has given a scenario over which I have had so little control and I had no choice but to trust and wait.

I am so terrible at waiting.

So here we are, on the verge of relocation...I have done so little to make it happen, and yet it has happened so beautifully (it is times like this where I really think God is laughing at me, with the loving, all-knowing compassion of a Father, saying, "Oh, I'm so glad it worked out too! It was getting a little dicey in the middle, but - amazing - I made it all happen ALL BY MYSELF!")

So we are a lease-signing away from an apartment. Ben has a full-time job. I was granted a stipend for my internship. We have found a church home in West Palm.....back to the discussion about mercy and grace, I am so aware of both right now.

I am also aware that all of this would have been fully accomplished without my addition of worry and stress and fear at times. But I am learning, slowly but surely.

Saying good-bye is hard, too. I suck at goodbyes. Working on that one. :)

Here's a little sneak peak at packing in the Sparrow abode:

The wall of boxes in the bedroom. I'm thinking it shouldn't get much taller....

Our TV (mercifully) kicked the bucket last week, and we decided not to replace it. The entertainment center now serves as a holding area for items waiting to both store and be stored....what a process!

The ABC Store has been the main provider of moving boxes for us. Great way to save money on sturdy boxes! We like to keep ours behind the dining room table. :)

Student of Mercy

I've been pondering the grace of God today. It started with a message at church, continued in the synaptic firings of my brain for the middle of the day, and blew up in my face with a failed attempt to locate a copy of the Daily Reflector.

I really wanted the newspaper today. I am trying to save money for my family with coupons and specials - those are good things, right? But when my desire to be a good steward morphed into pride, I found myself entitled to this opportunity. And when I couldn't get the paper, I got upset. At Ben (because he was there, not because he did anything wrong). I hate to admit what a childish tantrum I threw (it was masked by adult-isms, but it would be so prideful to use the popular "I got my feelings hurt")....I am finding that sometimes public confession is a great teacher of humility. In the meantime, sometimes others learn or find encouragement.

But I digress. I tell this story in lieu of the definitions of grace and mercy. Mercy is God delivering us from what we deserve - the punishment of hell. Grace is God giving us everything besides hell (salvation, life, air, marriage, and the list goes on and on...). So by definition, anything that I have that is not hell is God's intense grace towards me. The only thing that I deserve in and of myself is hell. Period. Everything else is a gift from our gracious God. I still feel entitled to so many things that God has given (or has not yet given) to me as good gifts intended to show Him off as the good and gracious God that he is.

Things like health. Safety. The security of good opinions from others. We all have our own lists.

If I had an accurate view of God's mercy, I would not kick, fight, and scream for the things that I thought I deserved. Now, I was raised in a Christian home, I've been going to church all my life, and I know what the Word says about my salvation. I believe that my salvation is a result of the finished work on Christ on the cross, a free gift to me because the debt was paid with His sinless life. But if really understood God's mercy, I would LIVE so much differently. My actions, decisions, and RESPONSES to the unknown would look so much different.

I would respond to pain with trust, not with anger.
I would respond to grief by throwing myself at the feet of Comfort, instead of trying to make my heart impenetrable and hard.
I would respond to mistreatment with humility, not with bitterness.
I would respond to change with an expectant heart, not with the construction of fearful walls.
I would respond to personal failure with an understanding of my identity in Christ, not with self-pity and retreat into the darkness of my own personal wounds.

And all of this stems from an inaccurate understanding of the Gospel - what Jesus came for, how I fit into the picture, where this is all going. It is for his glory. God was glorified when I was shown mercy by the lovingkindness of Jesus Christ in his sacrifice for me. He is glorified when I suffer. He is glorified when I am unable to get my comfort, the new job, or the stupid newspaper.

This is so backwards to how my heart is inclined to approach not getting what I want. But I desire to know the mercy of God in a deeper way. Each day I see even more the depravity of my heart without him, and I am inclined to pursue the understanding of my Treasure more and more. Knowledge of the mercy of God leads me to know that I am undeserving of anything good, which makes HIM the goodness of it all, therefore all the more to be worshiped. Knowledge of the grace of God leaves me in awe of His kindness toward me, the undeserving of undeserving.

More and more I realize why I need the Gospel every single day: because although I am a believer in Christ, I fail to recognize the truths of the Word that show me who I am before God. I am one who has been rescued from death, forgiven for unspeakable sins against the holiness of God, and made to stand holy before the One who could judge but instead sees Jesus when he looks at me. There is no goodness in me; I did not cause this immeasurably awesome exchange - Jesus for me - to take place. My part in the story is to glorify my God with my life...the greatest honor in the world.