How to Clip Baby's Nails in 35 Easy (!?!?!?) Steps

1. Position baby comfortably on the floor on his back with a toy to distract him.
2. Roll baby back over.
3. Start with toenails. Try giving baby a different object.
4. Clip 1/3 of one nail. Stop to
5. Roll baby back over.(lest the sudden motion cause you to snip his fingertip off)
6. Finish first nail.
7. Roll baby back over.
8. Offer a different object for distraction.
9. Repeat above pattern as many times as necessary (preferably before you extract all your own hair and eyelashes in frustration)
10. Consent to clipping nails while baby plays on tummy. Be prepared to pull baby back to you by his legs when he starts to crawl off.
11. Start on fingernails.
12. If necessary, resort to handing baby a strange baby care item of interest, i.e. a suction bulb (fondly referred to as a "booger sucker" at our house)
13. Reposition baby in favorite hold (i.e. Next to a big window with baby's legs straddling your waist and baby hanging upside down off your lap)
14. Catch baby as he pushes off your stomach and plummets head-first toward floor.
15. Recover from mini-stroke.
16. Finish first hand, start on second as baby stands while holding onto sliding glass door with other hand).
17. Watch - helplessly - as baby falls, knocking his face on the door on the way down.
18. Consider starting blood pressure medicine before baby starts walking.
19. Continue clipping, making up silly songs that have repeat baby's favorite word (Dada) often.
20. Reposition baby sitting on the floor, facing outward, between your legs. Hand him the booger-sucker.
21. Finish 10th fingernail (an average of 45 minutes from start of this endeavor).
22. Throw baby in the air to celebrate.
23. Catch baby, so as not to ruin the moment.
24. Remember you left groceries in the car before any of the above took place.
25. Take baby to the car to get groceries (so he doesn't eat & choke on fingernail pieces while you're gone).
26. On the way, mentally list steps of baby nail-cutting for numerous blog post.
27. Bring in groceries and baby, put baby on the floor to search grocery bags for treasures.
28. Begin writing down list for humorous blog post. Snicker to self, feeling clever.
29. Waken from self-absorbed reverie by a toilet lid slam.
30. Gasp. Run to bathroom.
31. Discover that baby has picked the plunger as his current toy of choice.
32. Gag.
33. Wash baby.
34. Finish list, feeling humbled and keeping an eye on baby.
35. Remember that the floor is still covered in baby fingernail and toenail pieces.